my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Randomize
