I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
