the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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