I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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