ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
