Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he was CRYING into my vagina
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
