whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
