You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
