At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
