Already got asked if we're dating
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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