Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
