So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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