If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Everclear isn't food dammit
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
