great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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