I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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