things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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