Where are you?
In a non slutty way
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
