Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
