i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
