i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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