I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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