dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
