dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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