Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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