Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
