Well apparently he's into motor boating.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
