I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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