I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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