I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
apparently the secret to your success is patron
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
