mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
