my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
