I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
