i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
