remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
