He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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