New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
