They should really pass out barf bags in church
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
