chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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