There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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