The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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