I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it hurts more in the daytime
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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