cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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