the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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