Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I will be naked everywhere
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
