6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
