I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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