awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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