Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Randomize
