She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
