Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
