I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
