Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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