How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
