just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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