My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
