I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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