Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
