Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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