I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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