if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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