just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
