I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
