the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
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